so. my (sort of/not really)stepfather died. Somehow i got past that fear of speaking to people about important things and delivered the news. At first i was upset because as humans we instinctively look for someone to blame when things dont go the way we want. But im done with that. Its a sad event obviously, but things happen. I just am worried for my brother. I just got off the phone with a drunken babbling mess. Thank God he actually spoke to his father a couple months ago after so many years and told him he forgives him for everything.
Thank you God for the lives of all those who are dear to me and ever were dear to me. regardless of what they've done or neglected to do.
Today I left my little cave, otherwise known as the HLS building, and ventured across FIU to get some warm soup from Starbucks. I unnecessarily walked through mushy wet grass and almost completely around the outside of buildings to avoid the inside of GC and the people it contains. Ofcourse I ran into the “piano room people” anyway inside the bookstore. How can you waste away in that building for som long? I mean, I get it, freshman year it was the cool thing to do. We all wanted to fit in and find a group to belong in. I did it too. But, its been three years. maybe you should go to class now. Maybe you should be graduating out of FIU soon. I also heard sam’s voice. But I was power walking towards my soup and I didn’t look to my sides nor behind me to check. Plus, if I heard his voice, its because he was talking to somebody, which means he was busy. Unless he talks to himself. =) Back in my car I regretted not turning my head and looking back. I wonder if he still looks the same lol. I wonder if he would’ve been friendly or stiff. I wonder if he still dresses the same. The whole “I just threw this on this morning without even looking, that’s why I don’t really match, but it still looks good” look, even though you really did put thought into it. and only your close friends know.
It would be funny if it wasn’t even him I heard =P
so what would hapen if a massive fire actually collided with the bottom of the ocean floor somehow?
not because i enjoy asking retarded questions and i want to boggle your brain. but theres this song i like. and its always bothered me that i have no clue what he means when he says:
"YOU AND I ARE LIKE WHEN FIRE AND THE OCEAN FLOOR COLLIDE"
Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you overdramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to... No matter how it comes out, I have to write it sometimes. nothing ive said was a secret to start.
may we stop holding on to this grudge?
[Sunday, March 11th 2007]
Results: I don’t have stones (thank God) and I’m not pregnant lol. the discomfort and pain and irregularities with my body recently were being caused by a urinary tract infection. Everything else was alright. No STDs. no lumps on my breasts. Ovaries in place. Healthy. Happy Being checked wasn’t half as terrifying as I had feared. I just wasn’t too thrilled about the thought of laying there naked, legs spread, and a thin stiff gown that served no real purpose. She talked me through everything and fell in love with my tattoo. All the small-talk and step by step explanations were comforting. I was okay with everything. I even got use to her looking at me and touching me but I felt so wrong when she went inside. It’s so different when it’s a lady wearing latex gloves. it hurt.
I was asked many personal questions that started me thinking. I thought about my past and sexual encounters. I thought about different people and different situations and how naïve I was. unprepared but willing. thirsty for some sort of affection, a whiff of what the word love might mean.
Yesterday was…eventful, to say the least. clean, study, burger king, 5 hours at Ocho Placas Tattoos for Marlene, a variety of Denny’s deserts with the girls, blah blah blah. Somewhere in between all that, my phone rings once and then the person on the line hangs up. my stomach turns into a giant knot. something was wrong. I didn’t tell anyone what I was feeling because a part of me thinks im being stupid. so I go into the bathroom of ocho placas and pray. The second I walk out, my phone rings again. Its sam from a payphone, his voice quivering, he’s crying. It’s a long and personal story that I’m not going to get into because its no man’s business. Basically I spent three hours sitting on the floor trying to distract myself with anything I could find. All I wanted to do was scream.. or throw up…I was just waiting. waiting to leave. waiting for phone calls from random locations. waiting for some sort of solution. Luckily, in time, all of those things came to be. It’s all fixed. Thank you God. I never want to feel that way again. Don’t let it happen again.sam.please.
Swollen, bruised right eye…he drove with his shirt off and his adrenaline pumping. He reminded me of Edward Norton in fight club minus the OCD and split personality. I watched him driving, half expecting him to start beating himself up like in the movie. He stayed concentrated on the road, lost in his music, occasionally looking over at me to see me looking at him. Probably thinks im weird because I stare but he’s so interesting to watch. I wondered: if anyone else saw him at that moment, what would they think? He looked like a badass, like “sam the savage”… but I know otherwise.i know him. He was full of life, me at his side. But I knew that just a few hours earlier he had been driving alone, a crate filled with his belongings, and nowhere to go.
I’ll always be there for you. I have your best interest in mind and I’ll tell you what I think even if its not what you want to hear. I promised
[Tuesday, February 20th 2007]
Just a reminder to keep praying for my mommy. Shes getting better. and also, pray for emily's mom, Mrs.Hendricks.
[Wednesday, February 14th 2007]
Baby, you've got me all wrong
[Sunday, February 11th 2007]
Gyasik is in miami!!! wooo. Gyasik is in miami!!!!!!!!!!!!!1Gyasik is in miami!!!Gyasik is in miami!!! woooooooooo
Im freaking out. Tomorrow night I have neuroscience and from what ive heard this is the worst class ever taught by the most horrible teacher to walk this earth. Not only is he a total jerk and can’t teach, but apparently his exams are displayed on overhead and we need to answer quickly before he changes the question. I am presently pooping in my pants and felt like you all should know. In other news, El Salvador was great, I’ll write more about that when I have time..it’ll be like 5000 pages long so prepare yourselves; buy a good pair of reading glasses, stock up on some snacks, and so forth. All my other teachers are pretty swell. The one I had this morning is a total hippie. I love her..but she creeps me out because she looks like a female version of sam (robot sam). Thin lips, sleepy eyes, shade of blonde hair, relaxed voice… Another of my professors is Polish. Extremely difficult last name, horrible jokes, but oh so cute and scared (first semester teaching). Enough about FIU. Today I went ice skating! and I played basketball. and I went to the gym for the first time in a gazillion years. very eventful day indeed. Sam drove here twice all the way from BFE to hang out (sam the savage not the robot). He’s far from being savage though lol. sweetest thing ever, my jaw hurts from smiling/laughing all day =D its ridiculous though all the similarities between him and the other sam. their schooling, name, things they like, do, own, the way they act, participation in praise and worship bands, body type, etc..etc..etc.. sometimes I feel like someones playing a big mean joke on me.
i dont even remember what day this was because my sleeping patterns and days/nights are all out of whack. but sometime last week joseph went back to gainseville. he'll be back real soon but we all hung out the night before anyway. okay okay. it was tuesday because i remember skipping my favorite class in the world to have a picnic. After the picnic i went to nicoles house and slept a bit before we went to Town and country and met up with joseph and hector. we acted stupid, shopped, ate (again), and said our goodbyes. Apparently those goodbyes meant nothing because we hung out again later that night. Sitting at nicoles house watching patch adams, I was informed that we were hanging out at ale house. when nicole and i get there we see some crazy people in the parking lot doing the running man to Vanilla Ice. we get closer and it turned out not to be insane drunken fools, but our very sober, very crazy vivian and joseph battling it out.
we never made it inside of the ale house. instead we spent hours outside having dance offs. i love these kids.
the stress comes to me in waves. Luckily i have amazing lifeguards on duty 24/7 (i.e, nicole, sam, brian, etc). monday i was running around FIU trying to organize my site visit at baptist for thursday. i finally got all my papers in order, helped some friends with their group project, and was able to grab lunch with sam. the coke was a bit too syrupy and the burger a tad too microwaved (blegh) but i quickly forgot. i was too busy catching up and listening to sam go on about his ideas for art projects. more than listening, i loved watching him talk about it. his eyes were sparkling and he was all smiles. he's so inlove with art and its fun to see =) thursday i had a site visit at Baptist hospital. I got to interview the supervisor of the OT/PT department and shadow one of the OT's in the facility. I watched a patient with brain injury who could barely complete any tasks he was asked to do, but had the wittiest funniest attitude i've ever come across. he couldnt even remember the names of any of his daughters but i loved him, and he loved my voice lol. he kept asking me to say random things and after i did hed be like "oh man, that voice!". heheheh. I also saw a Patient who had left hemiplegia CVA. he was in a diaper, couldnt move the right side of his body, he understood what i said but couldnt speak back (it all sounded like jibberish which must be so frustrating), and he was just flat out miserable. i hope i brightened up his day some =(. by friday, all the enchantment of that peaceful monday lunch and the exciting site visit had worn off and i was feeling like poo. Joseph came down from gainseville and I was convinced to go out and play pool. it took me HOURS to find the energy to get up, and then a few more hours to actually get dressed. despite all my efforts, my face remained pale and ghost-like and my eyes were itchy, red, and glazed over. i didnt have a cold or anything, i think i just made myself sick thinking of finals and next semester's classes. *clears throat*: pathophysiology, neuroscience, kineseology. anyway. it was joseph, brian, hector, some kid ivan, nicole, vivian, a girl named vanessa, and myself. i was just kidding when i had told people i would kill them at pool, but i really did kick butt that night. i won every game =X!!!! We tried playing football in the parking lot but kinda failed to get organized so after getting my feet filthy for no reason what so ever, we headed over to Denny's because its the only thing open at 2 in the morning. i ate a club sandwich while thinking of mitch hedberg and smirking to myself, listened to ivan's ideas about life, and made fun of joseph repeatedly.every.chance.i got. which made me feel a lot better lol.
saturday: harry potter marathon on TV which i recorded and saved myself millions of dollars because i no longer have the need to buy them. Nicole came over late at night and joined brian and I. fun times singing to eachother. i love them.
Grr. not looking forward to going back to my normal school routine tomorrow. I had such a lovely little 4-day weekend with my family and "vivicole" (vivian + nicole). Thanskgiving at my house was nice and quiet. just us and one of my moms friends who was lonely. then brian came over so i could steal his computer pen. and i made another one of those doodle-sketchy things i've been doing recently
After dinner and Brian time, vivicole came around 11pm to pick me up for a karaoke get together. I figured id wear my jeans and a hoodie, but when they got here vivian was wearing a dress and nicole had on pinstripe pants and 60 inch heels. i exchanged my sweater for a black corsette and shimmery black silky scarf and traded in my sneakers for cowboy boots..and off we went. It was a really nice place/environment. It was nicoles fellow nursing students and some of the girls family (parents , brothers, and grandfather). The family was from Chile so i had a few minutes of bonding time with the girl's mother. We sipped wine and sang the night/morning away. you gals looked stunning ♥
Vivi slept over nicoles house and they came over bright and early to make breakfast here. we uploaded a bunch of pictures from the night before and played drums. back at nicoles house we had a semi-picnic with left over thanksgiving food and she dyed my hair redder. Nicole got her hair dyed as well, except shes cooler than vivian and i and she actually goes to a salon.. *rolls eyes* =]now all three of us have red hair, just in different shades. we're FIRECRACKERS!
Thanksgiving is coming up. I’m happy about the whole “no-school” thing but not half as excited as most people. Being the rebel Hispanic family that we are, we don’t do the whole turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole deal. and we don’t sit around only one day out of the entire year to give thanks because Indians and pilgrims had one peaceful dinner together before they started killing each other. We always eat together and give thanks for everyday that passes by. we’re just cute like that, be jealous. Anyway, I actually was really looking forward to thanksgiving because I was going to go to Disney with brian but.uh. i have way too much stuff due for my classes and that is now officially my weekend to get work done. You know, cause im way too busy during school days doing more productive things with my life. For example, playing guitar heroII with Maggie at FIU or sitting at home memorizing Sage Francis lyrics. yep, no time.
Now that i mentioned it, im awesome at guitar hero hehe. just call me the wami bar queen. waaaaao waaaooo
Friday I went to see The Prestige. it was mighty good. I figured it would be considering the actors: hugh jackman, christian bale, michael caine, scarlett johanson, and david bowie lol. if I butchered their names with my awesome spelling, I apologize profusely. I also ate the most delicious crepes with honey mustard chicken, melted mozzarella, tomatoes, and romaine lettuce. Then I had a sweet one with strawberries, banana, chocolate nutella, and caramel. im addicted. Then yesterday, Suzy and Brian came over. She taught me how to cut his hair into a faux-hawk. she did one half then had me do the other side while cueing me. He spent forever in the bathroom getting use to putting on gel in his hair. meanwhile I was prancing around and singing on top of the toilet/bathtub/sink I finally went to BODIES. It was me, suzy, brian, and derek. or shall I say…suzy, brian, derek, and I. because im so proper and all. It was beautiful. we bought the audio tour which I could’ve done without. I teared up during the section with the fetuses that died from abnormalities. There was this tiny one from an ectopic pregnancy, smaller than my thumb, that broke my heart. I don’t understand how people can kill such a beautiful thing because they can’t keep their pants on. boo. there’s 1000 other things I saw that I could go on and on about, but you should all go see it yourselves. no cameras allowed at the exhibit, which sucked, but made sense. To end my night… Sushi Maki <3
Say Anything last night. I woke up early and drove around for a while. then eddie and emily picked me up at 1-ish and we hung out until the show. Emily is a huge sweetheart, I loved her. At the end of the night she told me how she was scared to meet me. She thought i was going to hate her because I know yolie. I laughed a little bit We watched south park, ate sunchips,taco bell, talked, and waited while eddie was on the phone for what seemed like hours. Sam called as last minute as it gets, and said he was going. When i heard, i was a little pooped because i figured that Sam+Say Anything = certain death for me, for my own stupid reasons. In the end, it wasnt bad at all & im glad he went too. We did a weird little dance to one of the last songs which was the happiest part of my night. I love him when he's good old Sam. I'm not too fond of the other but I'm putting up with it cause i know hes still in there. Sometimes it feels like one day he woke up and decided his friends just werent good enough anymore but i know he'll snap out of it. I love him, fun or mellow, nice or condescending. i've been told its not a good idea. I've been told to shout out a "screw you". but...I've also been told all my life that pluto was a planet and. guess what. its NOT!!!!!!!! Eddie got punched or something because people are retarded. and they get upset when theyre pushed around. And some girl evil beast grabbed on to Sam's hair and pulled it. I had my hand clenched ready to punch her lights out, but i breathed and continued to enjoy the musical stylings of max bermis & kept out of it.
They played pretty much every single song on their album except one, plus 3 extra songs not on the CD. There was one about some girl on the phone touching herself ..(?) that I had never heard. but the other two happened to be my favorite sappy songs ever (A walk through hell + Total revenge). i felt like slow dancing with random people lol. I think i called nicole like 50000 times so she could hear the show from the comfort of her home. Here's a little piece of "a walk through hell" just for nicolie wolie. pretty sure you've never heard it
i'd walk through hell for you let it burn right through my shoes these soles are useless without you Through hell for you let the torturing ensue my soul is useless without you
lol. then we wonder why people think we're lesbians
P.S. I like you Emily. Thank you so much for showing so much concern lastnight. Silly girl, there's no way i could NOT have liked you. You treat Eddie the way he should be treated and more and you have a huge heart. Plus, you wear MAC makeup lol.
amused